A decade of being a sad girl

Notes on Facebook – 2009 vs 2019

How long have you had the shirt you’re wearing?

December 30, 2009:
a long time. LOLL
since september octoberish 2008.

December 30, 2019:
shirt – since 2017
hoodie – since 2012

How are you sitting?

2009:
my legs are crossed.

2019:
legs on my chair, both folded. left knee down, right knee up.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?

2009:
no. >.>
but just watch, i’ll sleep in anyway.
i’m still marveling at the fact that i actually dragged myself up from bed that early.

2019:
I can’t – I’m going to work.

What happened last time you got drunk?

2009:
i don’t remember. LOL
it’s called being drunkkkkk. geez. XD

2019:
I threw up during my three-stop winery tour back in September this year. I was ACTUALLY intoxicated, unlike Flora in 2009 who would’ve had no opportunity to consume any kind of alcohol.

If you could change one thing this year about your life would you?

2009:
i guess. the REALLYYY minor things i guess. cause i’m afraid changing the bigger scheme of things won’t lead me to where i am right now.

2019:
Same, 15-year-old Flora, same.

In 2009, 15-year-old Flora was a sad girl. In 2019, 25-year-old Flora is still a sad girl, but with more life experience. In 2009 I was tired and felt weighed down by everything and nothing in particular. Now at the end of 2019, I still cry a lot, but instead of growing increasingly weary, I grew out of it.

During the past decade, I cried at just about anywhere — from the top of a mountain to inside a spin class when the instructor screamed at us that “competition is a thief of joy.” When I wasn’t crying, I was laughing loudly between the aisles of Walmart or while crossing the street. I’ve taken buses from the first stop to the last for fun, and have thrown up in a public trashcan in Chicago because of some bad basil.

Some highlights of my activities while being a sad girl

I ran two 10K races, completed a manuscript for a novel, and learned Korean by watching too much television. I graduated from university twice, learned to cook better, and travelled to places that are all beautiful in different ways. I memorized song lyrics, listened to a lot of true crime podcasts, and fell asleep in many strangers’ cars.

I hiked mountains too tall for my stamina, slept on the floor at two hackathons, and took long walks on the beach on my own. I became a musical snob, traded arcade tickets for fake pearl earrings, and took up too many hobbies to count.

I didn’t make it onto any “Top 20 under 20” list or solve a great problem. I didn’t become a doctor or an amazing, popular artist. There are people I owe apologies to and I harbour a lot of regrets for all the people who only ever got to see my nasty side. I also have many thanks to give, for the overwhelming amount of praise, guidance, and support I have received in this decade of growing pains.

At the end of it, I ended up in this place, where I am finally unabashedly myself. And it is exactly in this place where I will welcome new dreams, new goals, and a whole new decade of being a sad girl.